The Kindness of October
A month of gentle goodness.
Paradox & Holy Ground
I have been part of an online faith community for a little over two years now and it has helped me keep my faith relevant. Before you close the email, please hear me out.
I’ve been asked many times since I left the Christian “church” about my faith deconstruction and reimagining. I will tell you with absolute transparency that I am still figuring out what I believe (and what I don’t). I still have moments of intense grief over what was left behind and what never truly was in the first place. I still haven’t landed in any faith structure with the same certainty and conviction I held previously and frankly, I hope I never do. But when my questions are bigger than my own mind and heart can handle, I have Harbor.
Harbor Online Community (by my own description) is like the island of misfit toys from the vintage Christmas animation Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It is a place where those of us who no longer fit, have been broken, or are questioning, can bring our true and authentic selves and find love and acceptance.
Our community is fully online but once per year, there is a weekend when those who are able, come together to simply enjoy each other’s presence. This last weekend, I had the privilege of joining other “Harboristas” in Abiquiu, New Mexico at the Ghost Ranch. Aside from being the studio home of artist Georgia O’Keefe, a paleontological wonder, and a film location for Young Guns, No Country for Old Men, and Oppenheimer, it is also holy ground.
I am learning to manage the paradox between my love for Jesus of the bible and the disgust I feel over the manipulative theologies of men who claim to represent him. Our retreat speaker Debie Thomas shared quite a bit about paradox this weekend and the misfits of Harbor gladly claimed the open expansiveness of the desert to wrestle with ours.
There is an analogy in Christian circles about the faith journey and butterflies. It is based on Romans 12:2 (a passage from the Christian bible). The main idea is about transformation and/or renewal. While the nuances vary from tradition to tradition, the main idea is that we begin as caterpillars (not yet living in our full potential as God’s creation) and then wrap ourselves in God’s love and magically become soaring, wondrous, butterflies.
TA-DA!
What the sermons never dive into is what occurs in the cocoon—the complete dissolution of what was before, the generation of new parts and pieces, the constrictive nature of the cocoon and the wrestling we must do within it, all before the wing-spreading occurs. Self-digestion makes a poor bullet point for the projection screen. (IYKYK)
All transformative journeys of mind, soul, and spirit are messy at some point, but mine has been gooey and gross. It still is.
Yet, this weekend, in the safe and compassionate presence of others, I felt like the butterfly—strong and lovely. I experienced my God in the joy, tears, profanity, laughter, and questions of good humans. And I left with hope.
Behind the Scenes
Hot damn the plumbing is fixed!
It’s done, y’all. I can’t even begin to explain how nice it is to just live in the house without a critical repair to be made.
Also this month:
Bingo has grown like a weed and is fully in her curious toddler season of life.
Elena turned 21! TWENTY-FRIGGIN-ONE! We celebrated with a big family dinner and an Oreo cake from our favorite Texas grocery store. And she did it with a new job and peace of mind from her October MRI that her cavernomas look ‘good & stable’ and some relief thanks to new meds that are helping with symptom management.
I hosted a pumpkin painting party with new friends from our Liberal Ladies of Texoma FB group and it did not disappoint.
We voted. That’s all I’ll say about that.
I finally had enough time and energy to do things I enjoy like meal-prepping for the family. I even picked up some cute jars for my Kindness Salads. I can hear you asking, “What are kindness salads?” Well, friend, they are salads I make for future Brandi so she has something wholesome and nourishing to eat when she has no spoons left in reserve. Because if she has to eat anymore fast food chicken she might scream.
We enjoyed our first Halloween in the new neighborhood and it was amazing. We passed out candy to around 100-150 trick-or-treaters and Jason and I both laughed and cried throughout the night with pure joy. We sat outside with Elena praising costume creativity and pop-culture references as enthusiastically as humanly possible. Our very first visitor was a toddler in a piglet onesie who ran up to us yelling, “I love your house!” It couldn’t have been better.
What October Made
October was a good creative month for me. I’m loving the progress I’m making with thread painting and beading. I am thinking about submitting some pieces in the Spring to a few local galleries that make space for fiber art. We’ll see.
I start my art therapy classes in November and am looking forward to doing more painting then too.
Music
I love music. Like, I LOVE love it. I can’t imagine a day without some sort of music in my world. But as a deconstructing christian, I have a complicated relationship with church music…or as my friend, Jeff, says, “music from the bad place.”
This weekend at retreat, I got to enjoy the rich voice and guitar skills of one Deb Whalen-Blaize who helped me find a fresh perspective and love for communal song. This one in particular was quite amazing to hear sung, in the round, in the voice of 20+ misfits.
Thanks, Deb. XOX
Books, Books, Books
The “ber” months are reading months in my mind. Enjoying the fall weather on my outdoor chair, with a blanket and a cup of coffee or tea, is literal perfection in life as far as I’m concerned. And if you haven’t noticed yet, I tend to read more than one book at a time. As a knowledge (and wisdom) chaser, I love all types of books and formats.
The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin
Wholehearted Faith by Rachel Held Evans
I strongly encourage you to listen to the audio version of Wholehearted Faith. It is read by Rachel’s peers, friends, and husband and is a beautiful homage to her legacy and heart.
House of Earth and Blood (Crescent City) by Sarah J. Maas
In Case Your Momma Never Told You…
You are allowed to experience joy when everything and everyone else around you is a shit show.
That’s the whole statement. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, therapist, or licensed expert in ANYTHING. I'm just a human sharing some things I’ve learned that have helped me. If you take any advice given here, you do so at your own risk, so please use common sense. None of my posts are affiliated, and I receive no compensation for linked products. I provide links to give credit where credit is due.
Always enjoy what you have to say. So loved hearing about your retreat during our video chat. So happy you have found this wonderful community.
These updates make my heart sing. 🥹❤️